


A Series of Unfortunate Timelines.

by Puluhuzi



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016), Homestuck, The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Crossover, Gen, I'm also trying to explain stuff as it comes up, I'm playing this decently serious, Multiple Crossovers, SBURB (Homestuck), Sburb Fan Session (Homestuck), Sort Of, you only really need to know asoue to get this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26612398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puluhuzi/pseuds/Puluhuzi
Summary: what happens when forces they don't understand save the Baudelaire children from one misfortune, only to throw them into something much, much worse.
Relationships: Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	A Series of Unfortunate Timelines.

Despite what many would like to think, life is just as much a product as random chance as of choice. Take for example, if a small fire started in your home, and you happened to be up late at night, rummaging through your fridge because you have yet to eat a proper meal all day, and you happen to catch, and put out the fire before it spreads, thus saving yourself and your home. Had you been slightly more tired, or just more dedicated to eating regularly, it’s entirely possible you would have been dozing by the time the fire reached your room, and by that point it would have already been too late.

A small push was all it took to save the Baudelaire family,

When the fire had started in their home, it had been discovered and contained before any damage could be done to the house, The three Baudelaire children, who had been at Briny Beach for most of the day, returned home to find police cruisers and fire trucks all over their street on 28 Prospero Place.

The Eldest child, Violet, told her younger brother Klaus to watch their youngest sister, Sunny. While she made sure everything was alright. At 14 years of age, Violet felt very responsible for her siblings, but after an officer on the scene informed her that their parents were safe and sound talking to a detective inside, she called back her siblings and they were allowed to join them.

The cause was quickly located to a conspicuous trail of gasoline outside, which led an unconscious man who appeared to have tripped and fallen after overestimating how much fuel to add.

The man had been identified as a local thespian by the name of “Count Olaf” although the brief glimpse the children had gotten before he was dragged away in chains did not make him seem particularly charismatic or aristocratic. He had apparently given conflicting stories to the police, even claiming to have been the victim of an assault in the wrong place. And after a debriefing by an officer who failed to be comforting to young children, and several overzealous insurance lawyers, The Baudelaire parents had extra security installed.

It is difficult, being young and having your entire life so close to being uprooted. And their parents spent several days making sure the children knew they were safe, which made it much more disappointing when they packed up for what they assured their children was an unavoidable but several days long journey to a place they would not specify.

This understandably left the children feeling quite aggrieved, a word which here means “Resentful of being treated like children.” Although their parents seemed to understand this, and just before their leaving, they’d promised each of the children something to make up for their absence, for Violet, their father presented an imported computer kit, which he promised they’d put together as a team, and he winked as he promised It would take several days of tinkering.

For Klaus, Their mother had promised a book on the history of computers, which she’d said to be the most up to date she could find. Although it would take a few days to be delivered.

For Sunny, both parents had taken great pleasure in surprising the infant with a walker which promised to greatly increase her mobility, which neither Klaus or Violet was sure was the best idea, but amused their sister to no end.

This was a bribe, and not a very subtle one, but the Baudelaire parents were steadfast in their conviction that they needed to take a trip, and it was a very good bribe.

They expressed their confidence in their children to keep the house standing (and took Violet aside to make her promise to look after her siblings) and thus began a period of extended isolation. Their large house was easy to get lost in, if not literally then emotionally. And the paranoia born of having someone try to burn down your house and lack of company, or servants, meant that the siblings tended to do things in proximity to each other, Klaus would read in the same room a Violet tried to tinker as quietly as possible, occasionally turning to sunny to cut some wires before she hooked them in.

This particular day had been exceptionally ordinary, their parents had not given an exact date to expect them back, and so when the doorbell rang, the children jumped where they stood, Klaus ran to the window, hoping to see their parents outside, but instead was greeted by a view of a delivery van pulled up outside their house.

On it’s side was emblazoned the name “Breekon & Hope” and in front of their door were too large deliverymen.

Despite the everyday nature of it, the children felt unusually apprehensive as the they slunk downstairs.

Klaus took the lead, walking to the door as Violet and Sunny hid behind the wall next to the phone in case they needed to make an emergency call. They'd been thinking what they'd do in case of possible intruders, and while Violet would have preferred to be the one answering the door, they both knew this was likely just a package delivery.

He held his ear to the door, a voice with a strange accent said. “I told ya, Felix is Hermanns foil, not sidekick.”

Another, equally strange and gruff voice responded. “It doesn’t matter if you interpret it that way, it’s what Nabokov intended for them!”

Klaus didn’t understand what this meant, so he pulled his ear away from the wood of the door and drew his eye to the peephole that he had to stand on tippy toes to see out of.

On the other side, all he could make out were too very large figures standing at about chest height, very close to the door so that he could only really see their name tags which read “Breekon” and “Hope” and the package conspicuously held in one of their arms.

Satisfied that the men were at least, probably delivery men and not robbers, Klaus slowly opened the door.

Two large men with such square shoulders that when they stood next to eachother they formed one long rectangle stood waiting for him.

“Package for ya.” said one, in that cartoonish accent, which Klaus could now tell was supposed to be cockney.

“sign ‘ere please.” said the other, in the same, maybe worse accent.

The package in question was a large and book shaped, brown, and unassuming, though seemed small, in the large mans hand.

Klaus took the package under one arm, and with the other took the presented clip board, signing his name as best he could.

“Right,” one of the men, Breekon, tipped his cap.  
“Have a nice day.” Said the other, Hope.

Despite the politeness of the interaction, Klaus still felt oddly convinced that they were about to do something very unsavory to him. But instead they turned on their heels and began walking in lockstep back their van, he caught a vague hint of their conversation from before continuing.

Klaus closed the door, turning to where his sisters were emerging from behind the wall.

“I was just given a strange package, by stranger deliverymen”

“Indeed, what strange fellows.” Said Violet.

“Eeko Meemo!” said sunny, which meant “Downright bizarre!” In babyspeak.

“Would you mind? “Violet said, gesturing to the package.

Klaus handed it over, and she held it to her ear, listening closely for the telltale sounds of a battery hum or a ticking clock. And satisfied when she heard none, handed it back to Klaus, who gave it down to sunny, who expertly used her tooth as a makeshift letter opener; Klaus removed a thick paperback, and a manila sleeve only notable for the stylized symbol of a house on the front, and the fact that it appeared to be mildly singed. On top of it was a post it note that read “You’re going to need this. – J.S” written in a smooth, clean script that seemed at contrast with the rest of the package.

“Who is JS?” Klaus wondered out loud, taking the paperback under his arm with excitement.

“Perhaps a friend of mother and father?” Violet took the envelope and examined it closely. While she did so, Klaus realized Sunny has wandered over to the window, tapping the glass with one finger as if to point.

Klaus went over to her, taking a look outside, but all he saw was the topiary that their father was so proud of.

“Don’t worry Sunny, I know it’s scary to think about, but there aren’t strange men hidden behind every bush.

\--------

About thirty feet away, behind one of the many bushes on the Baudelaire estate, hid two strange men, one had been staring intently through the leaves with a pair of binoculars. And the other furiously writing in a notepad.

“I know it’s slow going here, but why are we so focused on these delivery guys again?”

“I’m pretty sure those delivery guys are up to something Todd, no one looks that conspicuous unless they're up to something.

Todd took a moment, to consider the implications of dirks own bright jacket before flipping through his notepad. “How are these guys any more suspicious than like, those ‘Victory Family Defense’ guys they had last week?”

“No they were definitely weird, when they showed up I was expecting security cameras or at least some motion sensors, but all those guys did was put up tripwires and snares.”

“Oh man, I bet Farah was chewing on her clipboard the whole time.”

“She was, but it was very informative listening to her at least.”

Farah was the the third in the trio that formed "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency", and debatabley the most competent, she and Todd had been alternating taking turns on this stake out with DIrk.

The large men were returning back to their truck. Dirk motioned to Todd as he pointed a parabolic toward them,

“Hm, they’re talking about, Russian literature? But in English accents, how sinister!”

“I think they sound more, cockney?” Todd offered

“Where do you think cockney is Todd?"

“Point taken, but just because they’re not from around here I don’t think is a reason to be suspicious.”

Several weeks ago Dirk had received a mysterious letter, that is, more mysterious than most of the letters they received, which by Dirks own admission tended to be more cryptic than most.

“You're going to need this- JS” written in a messy, frantic script that seemed to imply the letter had been sent in a hurry. Inside was a tape disk which they had only been able to listen too thanks to Todd’s sister, Amanda having a tape player in her grubby van. Inside was a message that only dirk had heard, but the roll of British pounds inside had been more than enough to convince him to take the job offered.

It was only after they’d accepted that Todd and Farah learned the details, which were apparently to guard a mysterious and wealthy family from a nebulous threat, which at first sounded right up their alley, until they’d arrived in this dead end city which to Todd, didn’t seem like it’d moved past the 1940’s.

Dirk seemed determined to not mess up this case like he insisted the Spring case (long story) had been “Horribly bungled.” Although it had been mostly random chance when he and Farah had found a strange man trying to apparently light the home of their targets ablaze.

“You know, I’m pretty sure we saved this weird family from whatever danger they were in when you brought in that creepy actor.”

“I wish that was true, but in my experience, the moment you look away, things will start getting very explodey.

Also our mysterious client promised to pay us when the danger was passed, but they haven’t been in contact yet...”

“What if we just talked to those rich people and explained that we think they’re in danger? Surely that will be better than just passively watching them and a bunch of trip wires?”

“A noble sentiment Todd, but I’m done directly interfering, Trouble always seems to find us, so for once, I’m not going to look!” He placed the microphone down to dramatically cross his arms. “I’m sure we’ll be much-" The microphone built up a deafening burst of reverb from its impact into the headsets Todd and Dirk were wearing. Making both of them scramble to turn theirs off.

But Dirk was wrong. And if he had known how wrong, he would have lept out of the bush as soon as Breekon & Hope arrived in their suspicious van, and perhaps his unique talents would allow him to snatch the package which had been meant for the Baudelaire's, thus saving everyone, and everything, much trouble. But life is just a much a product of choice as random chance, and dirk had chosen wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god I'm so out of practice for writing.


End file.
